The luxury of midlife
I'm leaning into me, plus some news. Also: an update on my nails and awesome bedding.
We did it, Midlifers. We made it to fall.
Not that summer was a huge struggle for me this year. I mean, you can take July and flush it down the toilet. And maybe the first half of August. But the back end of the month, coupled with most of September, is really heaven. It helps that the weather here along the Jersey Shore has been just perfect. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard, anyway.
I had a dermatologist appointment this week, and a nurse and I joked that everyone kept talking about the beautiful weather and we were like, “Great, too bad I’m working.” My job has been keeping me at my desk all day and then my two days in the office are the equivalent of spending time in a doomsday bunker. When I’m sitting at my office desk in the center of some cement structure with windows far off in the distance, I might as well be in the subterranean complex uncovered on the TV show Lost. It could be July or February, the place always feels the same (read: freezing cold and slightly menacing).
But I still get out and feel the sunshine every morning when I walk the dog up to the boardwalk and make sure the ocean is still there. And I have to say, no offense to summer’s day trippers, but it’s awfully nice to have the place to myself again. To look out over the railing on the boardwalk and see a wide open swath of sand raked smooth and dotted with seagulls. No early morning beachgoers unfolding chairs and planting umbrellas in the sand along the surf. Pretty soon, a lot of the walkers will be gone and it will just be a handful of hardcore folks left powering down the boards. Much as the Morticia Adaams in me loves a rainy day, the Elsa from Frozen in me loves a walk on the boardwalk in January. It makes me feel alive.
As it is wont to happen one or two early Thursday mornings each month, this week I had a virtual 7:30 session with my long-time therapist. We are about to celebrate our 18th year working together, which makes it one of the longest-running (successful) relationships in my life. Even my marriage didn’t make it that long — we separated right before that milestone. But much like my wedding anniversary (I got married in 1990), my therapy-versary is easy to calculate as I started seeing this therapist a few months after I had turned 40. That is math I can do.
One of the (many) benefits of working with someone for that long, is that she knew me when. In the beginning of our relationship, I had four kids between 3 and 13, a difficult marriage and the shiny facade I’d carefully built around the whole operation was beginning to collapse. I was being smothered by all of it — I just didn’t know it at the time.
We talked about the old days this week and I said I didn’t know how I got through any of it. Not to be dramatic, but at times it was dramatic.
“It’s so luxurious to just be able to focus on me,” I said to her, and then we sat and took that in.
It’s been an interesting journey these last few years as my kids have moved on with their lives and I’ve been forced to figure out what it is I want out of my own life. I say “forced” because that’s how it felt at the time. I could have just kept playing the same part of the busybody mom forever. I could have kept pulling that warm (and sometimes suffocating) blanket of children and cocktails up to my chin forever and stayed tucked under it all. Crawling out from under that familiar warmth has been the challenge of my lifetime.
And tbh, it’s often cold and lonely out here. But also, so rewarding. I love growing as a human and seeing life in new ways and getting better at everything — from writing to understanding my emotions and those of the people around me. And to be so much more intentional about it all.
Not for the first time, my therapist talked this week about the Pie of Life (or a wheel, like above). Think about your own life as the pie that’s divided up into a bunch of slices. There’s one for career, another for family. Slices for health, spirituality and friendships. The internet provides a multitude of options for how your life can be divvied up.
Since we can’t be full-steam-ahead on all the slices, all the time, I’m focusing on three right now. This summer, I’ve really leaned into that friendship slice, as I’ve tried to reconnect with old friends and connect with some great new ones. It makes my heart feel really full.
I’m kind of tbd on the second slice. Is it romance? Spirituality? My health? That, as the great Magic Eight Ball would say, I will need to ASK AGAIN LATER. Let’s see where my energy goes in the coming weeks.
Another breakthrough this summer has been work on my book. And that is the real point of today’s post. I have completely rethought a basic element of the book and have built up some momentum around making those changes and getting it across the finish line. Every morning I am up and working with purpose at 5 a.m.
To that end, I am going to take a break from my Sunday posts here through the end of the year and pause subscriptions for all you lovely supporters.
But please, don’t forget about me! I am going to need your support more than ever when this book becomes a reality! Also, I am going to miss you!
In the meantime, don’t think I’m just gonna disappear. I might jump back in to say hello from time to time. And we can stay in touch on Instagram.
This is not “good-bye,” but more like, “I’ll see you soon.”
Have a great fall. xoAmy
sunday shares: read + watch + cook + buy
Hate-watching at its finest. I slowly made my way to the end of The Perfect Couple on Netflix this week. What a slog — and I really wanted to love it. But, like, woof. The dialogue was laughable. It couldn’t decide if it was a whodunnit or a satire. The main house wasn’t particularly stunning (like Big Little Lies). And the annoying would-be bride in her random Central Park Zoo hoodie, I could not take. There are better ways to spend six hours of your life.
Sweet freedom. Finally, my nails were set free from the horrendous tips they’d been trapped under for about a month. I went back to the place responsible for the assault and a nice manicurist pried the last three off and then made it all look good as new with a powder dip manicure. I feel like me again.
Is bedding a pie slice? Maybe. I don’t mess around when it comes to what I put on my beds. I’m always trying to find just the right level of comfort for sleeping, and kids and sleepover guests tell me how comfortable my beds are. I adore
— the founder of WhoWhatWear and always read her Substack. I love her style and that she shares both aspirational and totally affordable fashion finds. Anyway, she’s been talking up these sheets from LandsEnd for five-ever and when they went on sale over Labor Day, I snapped them up. I have not washed and it’s still pretty new but right now, I’m in love. Hillary swears by them, so that’s what I’m going on.Writers on writing. I got a chance to see two successful authors in conversation about 20 minutes from my house this weekend. One of the local bookstores hosted Liane Moriarity — who’s penned blockbusters like the aftorementioned Big, Little Lies and 9 Perfect Strangers — in conversation with Ann Napolitano, of Dear Edward and Hello, Beautiful fame. It’s inspiring to hear their stories and I’m looking forward to reading and discussing with my new baby book club (in that it’s in its infancy).
Stay another day. Maybe my oldest, most successful relationship is my high school friend — we’ll call her “P” — whose beautiful son Gus left this world way too early. Gus’s birthday is this week (Sept. 23) and I want to remind us all how hard it is to be a human. Let’s be kind to each other. Now, more than ever. Do it for my beautiful friend. Do it for Gus. To learn more about Gus and make a donation to continue his legacy, click here.
Love you guys. Thanks for reading. Sharing. Liking. Caring. I’ll be checking in. Keep up with me on Instagram. Be well. I’m rooting for you all.
Breaks and shifts are all an excellent part of life. We'll be here when you're ready to chat again!
This was a wonderful blog. I feel so much growth and positivity coming off you. Your description of the work week is spot on. I feel like you get me. I’ll miss reading, especially since I just rediscovered you. But, I’m looking forward to your book!