Never Say Never
I spent last weekend preparing to take a cognitive aptitude test for a job I am interviewing for and found myself one afternoon watching YouTube videos to remind myself how to find percentages of numbers and wondering how I ever got through college-level math.
In fact, back at the University of Delaware in the mid-1980s, it took me a few tries to get through the math requirement that all English majors and the rest of our Liberal Arts majors ilk had to take, a class called M114. I think I failed it the first time because I was a straight-up idiot and never went to class. But the second time around I remained challenged and while I’m sure I was up to my usual poor-student-tricks and not doing what I was supposed to be doing, when I did try to buckle down and solve a word problem or two, it felt like I was being asked to compose a sentence using the Chinese alphabet.
In retrospect, I might have a learning-something that nowadays would have been addressed but back then, I was smart enough in other ways to get by. I graduated from college and said good-bye to algebraic equations and word problems. Today, I know just enough basic math so I can double a recipe, calculate a tip at a restaurant and determine the sale price when everything is 25% off.
Fast forward many years later to find myself being asked to solve word problems and remember basic algebra to get a job and I’m reminded — not for the first time as I’ve gotten older — that you can really never say never.
I studied for that CCAT test — which presents 50 verbal, math and spatial reasoning questions that you are given 15 minutes to answer — as if my life depended on it. I took practice tests, watched the YouTube Videos, had my 20-something daughter break down equations for me and even downloaded an app on my phone by the company that created the test to play word and number games to get my brain ready for quick thinking.
When I took the first practice test and encountered a word problem, the numbers began to swim in my brain. You know, one of those: Bob left church at noon and got to hell 20 minutes later traveling in a handbasket moving at twice the speed of sound. How long would it have taken Bob to see Satan if he instead chose to watch all 20 seasons of Keeping Up With the Kardashians? I derided myself for being stupid and had flashes of M114 PTSD. I got a terrible score and felt despondent, like how could I be so dumb?
But the more I practiced and studied, the better my practice test scores got and by the time I was ready to take the self-administered test on Sunday afternoon, I said a prayer and knew that I’d prepared as much as I could. Later, I texted a friend that for as much as the test made me creep outside my comfort zone, it felt good to stretch my brain like that. It was incredibly motivating and I was thankful for the opportunity to go through the exercise of preparing for it, no matter what happens with the job. "It reminded me I can do hard things," I texted.
Late one afternoon this week after a day of snow flurries, I was pulling down birthday decorations I’d taped up a few days earlier in the big bay window in the kitchen and watched as a station wagon pulled up in front of the house and parked. I am low-key irrational when it comes to people parking in front of my house and as I saw the man start to get out of the car, I muttered, “Really, dude?” and shot him laser beams from my eyeballs. He proceeded to pull a snow shovel out of the car, and my first thought was that he was trying to make a few bucks for shoveling but that also that didn’t add up because he was driving an Infiniti. Then he turned and started walking towards my house and I finally saw his face and realize it was my kids’ dad who'd come to help us shovel.
I texted him later to thank him for clearing our sidewalk and he texted back, “I did it for my Finny baby!” because my dog is in love with my ex-husband. The dog loses his mind when he walks through the door and when my ex is about to leave, the dog acts as if he’s going to go home with him. It’s really kind of sweet.
My ex had been over for dinner a few nights earlier and afterward, we sat around the table with two of our kids playing Uno. I won the first round quickly but the second round was one of those epic battles that just wouldn’t end where we talked smack to each other and groaned each time one of our opponents announced, “Uno!” Eventually, my son and his dad prevailed in the top two spots and my ex thanked me for dinner and headed home (without the dog).
Most nights lately I’ve been writing in a little gratitude journal I keep by my bed. I lie on my pillows and think about all the good things that transpired in my life each day, which run the gamut from the mashed sweet potatoes with coconut milk we had for dinner the other night, that I have a house to keep me warm on snowy days or my continued sobriety. This past week both the CCAT and my ex-husband made it into my gratitude journal and if that’s not a lesson in never-say-never, then I don’t know what is.
Life is funny and filled with surprises as we make our way through it. I’m so grateful to be able to sit down with my kids’ dad and enjoy our children together and watch my dog lying faithfully at his feet under the kitchen table. Considering all that has transpired between us, how far we had to come to get to that place, that is indeed a gift.
Ten years ago, you could not have told me I’d be grateful for both math and my ex-husband. You might as well have told me that I was also never going to drink alcohol again. And yet there they are, written in black ink in my little pink-flowered notebook. Reminding me that the same things that have challenged me — have made me cry and gnash my teeth — have also been critical sources of growth as well. What's not to be thankful for?
FRIDAY FAVES: read-watch-cook-buy
I am not a reality show person. But this week, my daughter and I binged this show on HULU that's from the History channel. Ten people get dropped in some breathtaking wilderness with a backpack filled with 10 items of their choice along with a few basic essentials and whoever lasts the longest without crying "uncle" wins. I started with Season 3 that's set in Patagonia and man, it's beautiful. And there is no make-believe drama or camera crews (they film themselves). It's just watching people who have made survival skills and possess a lot of fortitude try to survive.
Everyone's talking about it. WNYC's "All of It" is ever doing like a tv version of a book club around it. We watched it and thought it was great and that paparazzi and tabloid editors should be ashamed of themselves.
I read and listened a little to this for book club and really enjoyed it kind of like "Such a Fun Age." My assessment when we all met over zoom to discuss was that the book reminded me how much I love reading about characters who have completely different experiences from my own. It's why we all should read, to help us better understand people who are different than we are.*
Here are those sweet potatoes. This recipe includes maple syrup, which I didn't use because it's not Whole 30 friendly, but you won't miss it. Also if you're wondering, we are starting Week 2 and I've lost two pounds and feel weirdly energetic.
*Includes link to affiliate site who might compensate me if you purchase their product.