A whole new world: Life after kids
A whole new world: life after kids
Last night, I went to dinner with a friend who also finds herself single and living alone at a certain age. We talked about how hard it was to find other single women to spend time with, the horror of the holidays alone, and how on the way home from a bad date she told her Uber driver all about it and he asked her out (tbd on whether she ever takes him up on it).
One of the things we spent the most time talking about over our giant bowls of pumpkin soup was trying to figure out what our purpose was now that our kids are grown and we’re not integral parts of their lives.
While I was a stay-at-home mom for many years who only started to work full time when the oldest of my four kids were teenagers, my friend has worked in finance for decades. For years she commuted from her home in New Jersey to Manhattan for work every day and can only now, at almost 60, slow down a bit and work from home due to the pandemic.
And yet, like me, this professional woman feels adrift now that her children have moved on and she’s not in a romantic relationship.
For so long, I beat myself up about not going back to work sooner and pursuing a journalism career instead of getting lost in diapers and Gymboree. Whenever I started to see light at the end of the baby tunnel, I’d get pregnant again instead of figuring out what else I could have done with my life – and maybe address the complicated marriage I was in.
To my credit, while I will never win the Best Mom of All Time Award – that time I swung my arm around while driving and connected my hand to my younger daughter’s face in a fit of unfocused rage totally disqualifies me from that honor – I did okay (I mean, she still gets weepy thinking about it but I think we've been able to move past that low moment in my motherhood). I was so committed to my parenting that I definitely would have risen to the ranks of upper management, if not C-Suite, had it been a paid position. I took my job seriously, even when I wanted to fire all of my underlings and replace them with everyone else’s perfect children (according to Facebook – Ha. Ha.).
It was so hard, and yet so rewarding, and I totally own being my kids’ mom. It’s been an honor to be their #1 Fan and Person when they need a person.
But what’s a mom to do when her main job is done? I guess, if I’m keeping with the corporate ladder metaphor, she retires and becomes a consultant. Or joins her children’s board and offers advice and observations from the sidelines.
Now, instead of making bagged lunches and driving to games and practices, I spend my days completely absorbed by my new job and learning the ropes of Corporate America, where I am no longer the boss but a small cog in a very big tech wheel. And I have to say, it’s kind of nice not being in charge right now.
When I’m not creating content, I’m going to recovery meetings a couple of nights a week, which have kind of been a lifeline in my new, solitary life. Sober friends throw me a rope most days after work and pull me out of being alone for an hour or two. Then I come home, pretend to read but really just watch TikTok videos, and fall asleep.
Last night, my friend said that she’s decided that the true purpose of life is to help others, which gave me a laugh because that’s such an AA thing to say. The program is all about helping others to help yourself.
She told me about signing up with an organization in hopes of volunteering but balked when she learned there was a big “God” aspect to it. While she’s spiritual, my friend is put off by all the God stuff. “Just pretend,” I told her, which is what they kind of tell you to do when you start going to recovery meetings. Just be open to ideas and see what happens and take the stuff you like and push aside the rest.
She’s also not so sure about the kind of people she’s going to meet, so hesitates to go to a meeting to see what it’s all about. I felt the exact same way about AA. What kind of weirdos went to those meetings, anyway? It turns out, there are a lot of them. But also, people just like me (and, hey, maybe I’m weird, too?).
On Friday night I went with another girlfriend to see the new Jacques Cousteau documentary, even though I almost had a heart attack when I learned it didn’t start until 7:20 and worried I’d fall asleep (insert the granny emoji). But the nostalgia of watching that old salt in a red beanie sailing the seas on his boat the Calypso from the comfort of my tv room growing up in the 1970s kept me awake the whole time.
The man was absolument fascinating. Like the Ben Franklin of the sea. He pretty much invented scuba diving and underwater cinematography. Is responsible for the oil wealth in Saudi Arabia. And when, in his later years, he saw how man was ravaging the ocean water and floors, became a staunch environmentalist.
Before making mini-films for television in the 1960s and 1970s, Cousteau made a couple of feature films, one that won the Palm d’Or at the 1956 Cannes Film Festival. The documentary showed all sorts of celebrities who showed up for the premiere, including Pablo Picasso, who, the narrator tells us, was bowled over by Cousteau’s insight into life under the sea. The great artist could not believe all of the colors that were living just below the water’s surface and died, according to the doc, rubbing a piece of black coral Cousteau had given him.
For so long, staring out over the horizon of my life, I just assumed it would look a certain way. It had a nice view but was predictable and lacked surprises and discovery.
It was only finding the courage to plunge underwater and open my eyes after my children had gone, that I have found all the colors I’d been missing in my life up above. Like Cousteau, climbing down the ladder of his Calypso and sinking into the sea, I am finding that there’s a whole world just waiting to be explored.
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LET'S MEET UP IN PERSON!!
Guys, this is so exciting: I've been invited to be a part of the launch celebration for a new dance company for an evening of dance, storytelling, and inspiration. Please join me on Thursday, Oct. 28 at 7 p.m. at a very cool event space in Long Branch to hear me read one of my stories and see how it's then interpreted through movement.
Tickets are $25 and proceeds benefit 180 Turning Lives Around and is joined by Project Write Now. You can find all the details and get tickets here and I look forward to seeing you IRL to celebrate creativity and the awesomeness of women who don't let age stop them from doing what they love to do. Here's the link: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/in-good-company-launch-performance-event-dance-storytelling-inspiration-tickets-176744346097?aff=ebdsoporgprofile
SUNDAY SHARES: Read, watch, cook, buy
If you, too, find yourself a cog of sorts in the Corporate America wheel who has to dress up from time to time, consider this sweater blazer from JCrew Factory, which is on super sale right now. I tried to get it for my 24yo who just joined the office ranks, but she balked at the buttons. Apparently, Gen Z doesn't do buttons.
Banana Republic Factory is 50% off with an extra 15% at checkout and I wore this all day yesterday and strangers were into it.
Bed, Bath & Beyond 3-wick candles are like (almost) $10 off and I went yesterday and loaded up on my fall favorite: Marshmallow Fireside.
Like the rest of the country, I have become entranced by Noodle the pug and his beloved bones. I caught him and his owner on the Today Show this week and loved how the simple joy of the feel-good TikTok account has spread across the country. Maybe, in the midst of all the partisan horror, it just takes a runny-nosed old dog to bring us together?