My (boring) sober story
This week, I got up in front of about 100 people and told a story about getting sober and as I sat in the audience waiting my turn to stand in front of the microphone, I really began to regret my urge to be so honest. It turns out, writing about having a drinking problem and sending it out to a ton of people is a lot different than speaking your truth IRL.
For one thing, there were a bunch of kids in the audience, which I did not anticipate. I really hated telling those youngsters that the nice old lady standing in the spotlight used to drink too much wine every day.
And then there were all the people sitting in the audience who I actually knew and who I had, on many occasions, drank with over the years. Even though a lot of them get my newsletter, how awkward to just expose myself like that. It’s like I got up on stage and pulled my skirt up in front of all those people and let them see the horror beneath the pretty floral fabric.
So here’s why I did it: my story was the story I needed when I was looking for clues as to whether I had a problem with alcohol and needed to stop. And believe me – I looked everywhere. I read every “quit lit” memoir out there and listened to all sorts of podcasts. And while I identified with so many details these people shared, it was never exactly what I was looking for. A lot of their stories opened with the rock bottom moments, waking up with strangers, round the clock drinking, lives spinning out of control.
But my sober story is really boring. I mean, in my 40-year drinking career, I have some stories that are real doozies. I have exhibited risky behavior, made really bad decisions, and blacked out on many occasions. But at the time I quit I still had boundaries around my drinking and hadn’t experienced what we all think are the classic signs of alcoholism. I hadn’t gotten a DUI, landed in rehab or was drinking around the clock. But in those final few years, I could feel the boundaries slipping a little. I could easily have been arrested for drunk driving and vodka was starting to taste a little too good.
I say these things to my sponsor and therapist, and they both say, “Yet.” These things hadn’t happened yet, but they very well could have.
AA has lots of fun sayings. Really, think of a situation, there’s some clever, bumper-sticker-worthy line to go with it: “Easy does it” or “One day at a time.” My sponsor and I were talking about all of this yesterday morning and she said, “You can get off the elevator at any time. You don’t have to hit rock bottom.” There it is.
Alcohol used to take up a lot of mental space. I thought a lot about whether I had anything in the house to drink, what I would drink before dinner, during dinner, and after. I’d look around a room and see how much was in your glass, whether you’d poured a second glass and how much was left in the bottle for me. Honestly, I’d rather rent that room in my brain to more worthy causes than booze.
Getting sober for me was the easy part ("easy" in the way childbirth was "easy" once you're far enough away from it). The real work is uncovering just why I was drinking so much in the first place. What was that hole I was trying to fill (and ps: people use all sorts of things to fill that hole, from booze to food to Netflix).
Since I stopped drinking every day and started to share my experience, I’ve gotten notes from women who had found themselves in the same situation and either stopped or were thinking about stopping or were just like, “Me, too.” And every time I get one of those emails, it makes me feel a little better. That’s why readers read and writers write – to feel a little less alone. To connect somehow with others who find themselves challenged in one way or another and who try to figure out how to overcome it.
When I was drinking, I was still functioning. On the outside, I was totally keeping my shit together. But I wasn’t flourishing. There was so much I wanted that I didn’t have the clarity to achieve. In sobriety, I’m trying to change that story.
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SUNDAY SHARES: Read, watch, cook, buy
The reading this week was a showcase for a new local dance company that's formed to give women who've danced professionally, choreographed or just find that they need to move to express, feel, process life, an outlet to do so. Based in Long Branch, NJ, in good company dance's offerings are such a gift to those of us who are no longer 30 and yet who still want to make things and feel alive. I'm so grateful that they gave me an opportunity to be a small part of their big night.
Now that the weather is starting to cool off a little here in the Northeast, I've been reminded how much I loved these boots I bought last year. They're comfortable enough to walk around in the city all day without feeling like I need to amputate my toes at bedtime and trendy af. I wore them to brunch with black leggings and into the city for brunch (again) with a cropped flare jean. Damn, I'm bougie.
Okay, when I went away with college friends in September, we spent a lot of time sharing all the things we loved, right down to our laundry detergent. Someone mentioned this super fancy situation, and I had to try it. It's so expensive, and talk about bougie, but could be a fun holiday treat and (just ask my kids) I can't stop smelling myself.
Speaking of college friends, one wholeheartedly encouraged all of us in a recent text thread to watch season 2 of this series and, in particular, the Minnie Driver episode that kicks it off. It's about loss and grief and it's just so damn beautiful and will make you ugly cry on your couch.
The story I told in front of all those people Thursday night included a scene where I imagine my future self standing in a Nancy Meyers movie kitchen. If you did not get that reference, let Jimmy Fallon and Chris Stapleton paint a picture for you.