The stories we tell ourselves
THE GOOD STUFF EDITION
Okay, enough with the bad. There's been a lot of good this week:
Free at last, free at last
My baby got his driver's license on Tuesday (read more below), which made a lot of us feel old. Or really more like: where has the time gone? I ran into one old pal at the liquor store yesterday, who must have seen my post about it on social media, and was like, "I can't believe your baby's driving!" And I was like, "Wait a minute. Your girl (who's the same age as my oldest) just got married!"
We used to go to Gymboree together and take the kids for bagels afterwards so we could just sit and talk over coffee. Years later, our family went over to her house to watch football one Sunday, fourth newborn baby in tow. So, yes, where does that time go?
Password
After the whole computer debacle of '19, I had to sign back in to, like everything. Google. AppleID. Facebook. So I had been dragging the little notebook I keep ALL my passwords in. Like, IRS and child support and every other CRITICAL account I've set up with varying passwords. And then suddenly last weekend, it went missing. I can't even TELL YOU how sick it made me. I went through everything a million times, including garbage and recycling outside in gross cans. And then, while the kid was examining his new license, I had a brainstorm and used my phone flashlight to look BEHIND the skinny drawer in the kitchen I keep pens and phone cords that often fall behind the drawer. AND GUESS WHAT I FOUND? Every time I remembered I'd found it for the next two days, I felt this incredible sense of relief, much like breast feeding did but without all that sticky milk and sore nipples.
Neighbors helping neighbors
Finally, this week found my faith in humanity restored. I was walking my stupid mini goldendoodle around the block because we don't have a fenced in yard and he'd be in Pennsylvania in a hot sec if I let him out with no leash. We round the corner towards home when I see not one, not two, but three of my neighbors' pitbulls roaming free in their driveway and they're not home.
I'd just waved to a neighbor across the street getting into his pickup, when I saw the situation and all the dogs started to move across the street towards each other. My dog is very cute and a snugglebunny with us but he has apparently never looked in a mirror because he just assumes he's the ALPHA and wants all other dogs to know that. So I knew, especially with him on a leash and them loose, this was a terrifying situation.
All of a sudden, the neighbor sees what's happening and quickly moves from his truck to start ushering the three dogs back across the street while I lifted my idiot and pushed him into the cab of the neighbor's pickup (this is not someone I really know). I watch as he slowly shushes them back into the yard and had somehow found a big piece of cardboard that he held in front of his lower half. I even saw him gently reach down to get one dog by its collar and then quickly pull his hand away, seemingly after the dog tried to nip him. Somehow, he got them all back in their yard and when he ran back over, I said a lot of expletives and thanked him profusely for his help and then went home and sat in my kitchen, shaking.
Later, I dropped a bottle of bourbon at his door with a thank you note saying I wasn't sure that was his poison, but as he seemed ready to wrestle a pitbull, I took my chances. The guy really diffused a potentially horrible situation and I am forever grateful that he was there and stepped in. EVERYONE: PEOPLE ARE GOOD! HOORAY!
Am taking next week off to head to DC to visit baby girl who's stuck working over Christmas and can't make it home. In the meantime, here's a bunch of stuff to keep you busy during your holiday hangover next week:
In which the jilted Baroness from the Sound of Music has a few things to say.
My girlfriend baked these OUTRAGEOUS cookies for our book club holiday potluck and they were so worth the calories. She also added chopped Rolos and sprinkled sea salt on top. I mean, c'mon.
TBH, I fell down a McSweeney's hole this week, and have to share this one as well about women's hairstyles over 50. To wit: "Chop off your shoulder-length hair, wrap it around your decommissioned womb, and return it to the heavens inside a paper lantern."
Finally, a "wait, what?" moment for me: apparently, I've been washing dishes wrong. Who knew?
Happy Friday. Merry Christmas. Happy Hanukkah. Happy Kwanza. See you in two weeks,
xoAmy
Nothing is more heart stopping than watching your kid drive away solo for the first time. In the rain. Without windshield wipers.
What Freedom Tastes Like (Apparently Porkroll)
It happened earlier this week: On Tuesday, my youngest turned 17 and left the house before sunrise, returning a few hours later triumphant, with his new driver’s license in hand. I often say that he’s not the worst teenager I’ve ever met, and generally cheery, but this new found independence sent him into a profoundly manic state.
“This is, like, the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he said, sitting at the counter in our kitchen examining his new license. He couldn’t stop smiling and said it was the best birthday present, even though I’d just given him new AirPods.
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