The stories we tell ourselves
Howling Into the New Year
I've been all over the place, this first full week of the new year, trying to decide how I want to proceed into 2020. I had a lot of grandiose plans going into last year that didn't exactly happen, which left me feeling a bit deflated as I began to reflect on them at the close of 2019. I mean, good for me for having such high hopes but, dude, you actually need to TRY to make these things happen. Just saying, "Blah. Blah. Blah." doesn't mean blah blah is going to magically come true. You are not Cinderella. And also: farts.
That list of six resolutions slipped out of the back of my journal yesterday during a session with my therapist, who I visit about once a month to help me keep it real. We'd been chatting about goals for the new year and I'd opened the notebook to read her something I'd written that morning, when the piece of lined paper I'd ripped out of one of my zillions of steno pads floated onto my lap. "Why don't you read them?" she asked, and I ticked off each one ending with the one about not drinking.
But instead of dwelling on my lack of sticktoitiveness, she quickly pivoted us to this year, which I really appreciated. As I was waiting for her to come get me earlier, I'd jotted a few things down about what I wanted to talk about in my 50 minutes and one of those bulleted items was "Goals."
"I feel like I need to be focusing on more higher level stuff," I told her. "I think there's something bigger that's holding me back from getting all the other stuff done."
So, here's what I want to shoot for in 2020: I want to LET GO. Of, like, all of it. I want to let go of the stories and just have faith. In myself. In God maybe. That I am right where I'm supposed to be.
And I want to be more grateful, too. Instead of always thinking, "What's next?" I want to see everything that is right here, right now (even if that includes the cat who is currently nestled on the back of the couch right above my head, wheezing).
So isn't this awesome and perfectly timed: tonight, I am heading into NYC with two other gals for a talk on RADICAL COMPASSION given by the mindfulness teacher Tara Brach, whose Loving Kindness meditation has been the bright start to many of my days.
She will be discussing a meditation she's developed that "helps loosen the grip of difficult emotions and limiting beliefs," which I want to say are my issues in a nutshell. Difficult emotions. Limiting beliefs. Those bastards.
I'll let you know how it goes. If I find a way to throw off that yoke and run free into the new year without the weight of all that stuff dragging me down.
Between that and tonight's Wolf Moon, if anyone hears howling coming from this direction, you'll know who it is.
Happy Friday and ONWARD!
xoAmy
This Friday's Faves
Honestly, I've consumed a lot of media and cooked a ton this week and am obsessed with a number of things:
Did you listen to this week's episode of the On Being podcast with Brene Brown called "Strong Back, Soft Front, Wild Heart"? I've listened to it twice so far. They discuss the difference between fitting in and belonging, in particular belonging at home. "Not belonging in our families is one of the most dangerous hurts." Yowza. Also, great conversation around overcoming the divisiveness in our country and remembering that we are all connected.
I finished this novel, which I really enjoyed. My favorite line: "...so we just rode in silence the rest of the way, the radio playing easy listening that made me want to slip into a hot bath and dream about killing everyone I knew."
Saw, and enjoyed, Bombshell last weekend. I could have sworn Megan Kelly played herself, Charlize Theron is that believable.
Last weekend I also went into NYC and saw this spooky AF play at Playwrights Horizons, which has been extended and really recommend.
I texted two other single women a link to this article, telling them I wasn't sure if it was empowering or depressing.
This Peggy Orenstein interview was just straight-up depressing for my sons.
Okay, dinners: I make this all the time and keep on hand for quick meals with an egg, chicken or always my love farro.
I made this for friends this week and kept some for me and my son and ate it for dinner that night and then breakfast and lunch the next day. I even fed some to my friend Dan who actually had seconds, which he never does. Have made a bunch and think throwing in a parmesan rind makes all the difference.
Saw a Whole 30 cookbook open to this recipe at a friend's house last weekend and had to make. Delicious. Her tip: throw in a handful of frozen corn at the end for a little crunch. I even did the chicken thighs, which usually freak me out, and really enjoyed. Also, really cooked them a long time.
In true "If You Give a Moose a Muffin" fashion, "If you give a girl a fabulous Salt strap for Christmas, she's going to need a new bag to go with it." Here's a 20 percent code I used for the bag that worked a few days ago.