This place reeks of teen spirit.
I texted my girlfriend yesterday that I wanted to go on the record that I always have, and always will, hate teenagers – especially my own. Truly, they are the scourge of parenting. They make newborns wailing at 2am for no good reason or toddlers begging for gum at the checkout line seem like entirely reasonable creatures.
My current and final teenager has actually hit the trifecta of all the annoying things mentioned above: He cried a lot as an infant, wept for me to buy him things at stores and now, at 17.5, he has officially become a prickly teen. And I consider myself an expert in teens having lived with one consecutively since 2005. If there was a course in Teenology, I'd hold a doctorate.
But he’d been so nice for so long, I didn’t really see it coming.
*****
I had tried to circumvent this outcome by approaching his upbringing different from the way I raised the older three, who came up under the reign of the Iron Fist. I kept pretty firm control of them when they were little, which worked beautifully, they pretty much always did what I said. But then around 7th grade, each one started to get a little feisty and as they entered high school, began to rebel against the tight boundaries I had put in place.
But the fourth came up under entirely different circumstances. First, I had been around the block a few times and had come to realize what was and wasn’t important to freak out about. Second, his dad and I split up when he was five and I went back to work so we like to joke that he was raised by wolves (and some very special neighbors). And third, I’m old and tired and not the spring chicken in her 40s managing her wily teens.
But despite the more lax parenting approach, the youngest has been mostly a delight to work with, even as he entered his teen years. Of course, there have been a few instances where he’s said or done something that’s made me want to throttle him but mostly, he’s kept it lowkey.
I think my biggest downfall in raising my fourth child is that I’ve treated him much the way our whole family treats our dog, which is to say like a prince. Unlike other dogs I have owned, this pup is treated like royalty. He lolls around on the furniture, constantly barks at people walking by the house and on occasion, jumps up to help himself to whatever food I might have left unmonitored on the counter (he’s partial to grilled chicken).
Each naughty canine incident is generally followed by useless yelling by our pup’s footmen and ladies in waiting and then he’s back to lying on someone’s lap and it’s business as usual. Sometimes when he’s getting yelled at, the dog sticks his little tongue out and gives his head a slight tilt, like he’s not quite sure what the issue is, and then whoever’s yelling at him says, “I can’t. He’s so cute,” and the dog slinks off licking his chops for one final taste of chicken.
My teenager is exactly the same. I treat him like a prince, always fawning over him and trying to make him something to eat. There’s a TikTok that one of the girls found of a very New Jersey-sounding mom mooning over her son and saying, “He’s so talented,” and now, every time the older kids catch me in service to the young prince, they start in with the, “he’s so talented,” shtick.
And it was all funny until, like the dog, the overindulgence created a bit of a monster. When I told him yesterday that he needed to get out of the crazy getup he was wearing – every day he looks like an extra in a movie’s fraternity party scene – and hit the mean streets of Little Silver, NJ to find a summer job, he was not having it. “Byeeeeeeee,” he said, while turning around to walk back upstairs and get back to murdering his friends on Call of Duty.
Later, I went up to his room and sat on his bed and told him I wanted to talk. “Tell me this,” I said, “do I ever say ‘no’ to you?” and I listed all the things I’d recently said ‘yes’ to, which included giving him my debit card to put gas in the car and looking the other way when cheap beer appears in the basement frig.
“Now I’m asking you to get it together and find a job like last summer that had you working 20 hours a week,” I said and he mumbled something as I got up to leave.
A few minutes later, I heard him talking to someone and the tone of his voice indicated he was trying to be professional and a minute later I heard him thank whoever he was talking to and then say, “Well, that was easy.”
He came down to report that he’d called the pizza place around the corner to see if they needed a delivery person and that they sounded really interested and someone was going to get back to him. Then he looked at me like he expected applause.
*****
The other day, my two girls and I were hanging around on the patio and the subject of their teenage years came up. “Ugh,” said my youngest daughter, “I was horrible,” and her older sister made a face indicating she regrets that span of her life as well.
They’re not alone. I’d really like to retract a majority of the things I said and did whilst a teen. *cringe*
*****
That same girlfriend to whom I sent the text earlier in the day stopped by last night to drop off two books to me that she just finished and loved. I gave her a tour of my new vegetable garden and told her about my child resisting summer employment and she reminded me that I only had one more year before he goes to college, and she lifted up her hands in celebration.
“I know,” I said, “but the bad news is: THEY COME HOME.”
As the mom with a college kid home since the pandemic started, my friend’s arms fell down in defeat and we both squinched up our faces over the horror of summers with college kids home.
The good news is that I know now that this phase of his (will probably) pass. That some day, I won’t hate my prince the way I kind of do right now. I know that in all likelihood, he and I will be sitting around 10 years from now and something will come up about his teenage years, and he’ll grimace and shake his head. Maybe he’ll even mention what a jerk he was.
I just hope, no pray, that I live long enough to enjoy watching my teenage grandchildren torture these children of mine. It will be worth waiting for that dish, served cold and probably, delicious.
Isn't he talented?
Friday Faves
WATCH: This excellent series on HULU.
LISTEN: To the show's most excellent soundtrack (the song that ends each episode always seemed perfectly chosen).
THINK: About this podcast episode that suggests how Brown vs Board of Education failed black students.
LEARN: Over the last few years, I've really been drawn to books sharing stories about black experiences. Highlights: Americanah, The Nickel Boys (or anything Colson Whitehead), I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (which I'm considering rereading). The 1619 podcast was also excellent and eye opening. Right now, I'm finally getting around to reading Between the World and Me. For more resources, check out this roundup.
READ: This important article featuring a dear friend who lost her beautiful son, Gus, to suicide and who talks about how a history of concussions might have contributed to his battle with mental health. It's so important that we let our kids know it's okay to not be okay.
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