Giving kids oxygen to become themselves
Not that I'm any good at it. But I'm getting better. Also: The perfect handbag and why 'raw' phones are dangerous.
It happened one day this week: I received a text from my younger daughter saying she had begun to dress like me.
“She fought it tooth and nail,” her older sister texted in our group chat.
The younger one had sent a message to me and her sister after work on Wednesday to announce that this transformation had taken place.
“Tbh the last few weeks I’ve worn very Amy Byrnes outfits to the office and I’m kinda vibing,” she said. “I’m scared!!!!!!!!”
This is my daughter who usually sports a very large silver ring on her index finger and kindly asked me to stop buying her monogrammed handbags for Christmas. I’m always trying to buy her a new pocketbook or warm coat and she resists all offers. I think I also keep trying to buy her black Chelsea boots. I just want her to have all the staples that I have in my own wardrobe that I rely on for looking cute and being comfortable.
I’ve learned that what I think is being concerned about her warmth or having a nice handbag for work can come off as judgy and pushy. And that my offers stem more from the desire for her to look cute, tbh. And I want the kids to be their own people and not worry about what I think or whether I approve.
But it’s just so hard when you know you’re right.
I think one of the hardest parts about parenting is not asking a scary 12-year-old girl to tone down all the black eyeliner or forcing your angry high school freshman to take honors English.
No, the trickiest part of being a mom is giving them room to make mistakes but also to be there to catch them when they fall. The real challenge is giving them the judgment-free space and support to grow into the people that they want to be and the oxygen to bungle things along the way.
Now that my kids are in their 20s and 30s, I can see that I was not amazing at this.
I can see now that when they were young, I saw the kids as a reflection of me and the type of parent that I was. I know now that I’m not alone. A lot of us Gen X moms and dads chose to parent more like overlords rather than more democratic rulers. I forced everyone to play sports and instruments and laid out clothes for them to wear to school the next day for a long time. I had high expectations that they would adhere to the script I had inside my head of how all of us should look and act. And that worked really well until free will got involved and then everything fell apart.
It’s only now that I can take a step back and look at it all more clearly that I can see that I was so hard on everybody and did not do a good job keeping my judginess to myself. And to this day, I know they care very deeply about having my approval. I know that when they walk into a room, they can feel me assessing them.
And to be honest, I can feel myself doing it, too. And hate myself for it.
I made the statement earlier that I know I’m always right, and that was true when I was younger and thought I knew everything. But now that I am older, I know beyond a doubt that I actually know nothing. I’ve become a lot more humble about that and recognize that while I’ve picked up some things, I still have a long way to go before I know everything. Until I know, as the writer Ann Lamott once said, when to keep my sticky fingers off the wheel of this spaceship we’re all zooming through life in.
So, it’s pretty hilarious that after actively resisting my style vibe for so long, my younger daughter has given in and embraced it. She just used my Banana Republic card to buy a whole bunch of stuff from Old Navy on sale, so obviously, she has come to the dark side, much like her older sister did some years earlier.
“Don’t worry,” I texted her when she admitted she had become me and I told her that in my office that day, two of my young coworkers showed up wearing the same outfit as me. The three of us looked each other up and down and laughed when we saw we each had on black turtlenecks, faux black leather pants and white sneakers.
My daughter HAHA’d my text and then said she and her 50-something boss almost wore the same outfit last week. “It’s the new syncing up,” she said.
When my children were young, I just assumed they would be how I imagined they would be and gave no room to the idea of who they really were, deep inside their little hearts. It’s so hard to know when to let them run off in one direction and when to step in and gently help them to course correct. And sometimes, much like all that black eyeliner the girls fancied in middle school, those things just work themselves out on their own. Every once in a while, they look at what you’ve modeled and decide it’s not so bad after all.
sunday shares: read + watch + cook + buy
I *heart* this necklace. My son gave me this necklace for Christmas and I wear it all the time and get a ton of compliments. Maybe this is where you direct your Valentine to do their shopping? Just a thought.
The bag that I’ve been searching for. I have been on the lookout for a chic little everyday black bag for a long time. For a while, I thought I’d splurge on a luxury item but then bought fancy rings instead. I’d had my eye on Clare V bags and liked the size of this one (I carry nothing but a phone, lip gloss and readers) but it was expensive. Then recently, I got fed a particular style that was $200 off, and I snapped it up. I didn’t think anyone would recognize the designer and yet two of my 30-something coworkers recently called it out. So it’s a thing. But also, perfect.
A work bag that’s not floppy. I’d been using my quilted MZ Wallace to bring my laptop back and forth to work, but it always slipped off my shoulder on my long walk from my car to my desk, which I think is like a quarter mile. My mom gave me this bag for Christmas, which I was using as a purse but then it dawned on me that it would be a much better work bag. And it’s also perfect.
Something to stay up late for. Anyone else obsessed with this season’s True Detective on HBO? I actually stayed up last Sunday to watch it at 9:00 and plan to do the same tonight. I have gone down a number of internet holes reading up on it and also watched Jodie Foster in the terrific movie Nyad the other night. Anyone approaching 60 should watch to feel good about how much more they can accomplish in their lives.
Midlifers, unite. In that spirit of courage and renewal, we are planning a spring retreat where the Midlife community can come together for a weekend of restoration and reflection. Some beach walks, yummy food, yoga and lots of conversation. Interested? Stay tuned for more details.
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Don’t put your phone into your bag raw. My daughter and I are cracking up over this TikTok because it’s SO true. I never lock my phone and am always calling and texting things I don’t mean to as a result.
See you next Sunday. xoAmy
It was only a matter of time before I found my son raiding my closet, ruffling through my (also Old Navy purchased) Hawaiian shirts. I didn't intervene until I found him wearing one, tucked in, before one of his first job interviews. 🤦♂️
I want to dress like you too! Loved Nyad--Jodi Foster's arms inspired me to dig my 6 lb dumbbells out of the basement :) It's a start!