This week’s question comes courtesy of a conversation I had at lunchtime this week with coworkers. Three of us sat around a picnic-like table outside our big glass office building on a stunning day — bright blue sky and 70 degrees — and chatted and the younger one said something about needing to work on making more friends. “Wait,” I said, looking up at this adorable 20-something, “do we all think we don’t have friends?” and our dining companion, a woman who just turned 50, said, “Totally.” I then floated the question to my writing group last night, also spanning all different ages and generations, and they concurred.
So Midlifers, please tell us: Do we all think we don’t have any friends?
I will say that I have done a lousy job of sustaining friendships. I have prioritized my kids for years and I think that has in some ways been a detriment to developing deeper friendships. Also, getting sober threw a monkey wrench into things. And trying to make time to write a book. Now my kids are grown, my sobriety feels a lot less heavy and the book, well, I need to make better use of my time. Developing relationships with people I haven’t given birth to is becoming a priority.
Please chime in. Do you sometimes feel (thanks to Instagram) that everyone and their friends are out there making memories without you? Have you overcome this feeling? And if you are blessed with a circle of close friends, please share how you sustain those relationships. All tips and observations welcome!
Hi Meredith! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and observations. I agree: social media makes it look like everyone else’s life is so Instagramably perfect and fun. You make a really good point about the transition to empty nesting. Back in the day, I didn’t have to work really hard to connect with other women. We were on the bleachers or waiting at pick up or we lived next door to each other. Not a lot of effort was needed. But now, maintaining those friendships requires work. Thank you for that reminder. ☺️
Hi Amy, interesting topic. Social media really can lead you to believe the grass is greener everywhere else. I love that saying you have "friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime". I have lived that. For a while I was focused on quantity versus quality. The older and wiser I have become I am grateful for the few close friends I have who would go to the mat for me - no matter the circumstance. I appreciate the acquaintances I have also - you need all types of friends. I read somewhere that our relationship with friends is like electron shell theory. In the first shell closest to the nucleus there are 2 electrons orbiting the atom's nucleus - there cannot be any more. As you build out the number of electrons in each shell increases from 8-18, resembling close friends - to acquaintances. There is a woman Shasta Nelson who has written a few books on the topic. https://www.shastanelson.com/ I read her first two. Friendships Don't Just Happen and Frientimacy both really good. She's a relatable good speaker. I may just go to her weekend at Kripalau in March https://kripalu.org/presenters-programs/frientimacy-and-deeper-connections-tools-lifelong-health-happiness... who doesn't need a refresher :)
Keelin, wow. You are a font of resources. I can't wait to dive into Shasta Nelson and that Kripalu weekend is kind of calling my name. I especially love the comparison of friends to electrons. Makes perfect sense. Damn, I have such smart and insightful readers. 💡Thank you so much for sharing with us. ♥️
Megan, ugh. A lot of current events present absolute minefields of disagreement. In some ways, if I really enjoy somebody’s company, I don’t want to know where they are politically and socially. Like, let’s just agree to disagree and be friends in spite of those differences.🤷♀️ But as someone who has been on the receiving end of your friendship, I notice what a good job you do at staying connected — which is something I need to work on.♥️ Because, like every other relationship in our lives, good friendships do take work. Oh! And I loved the Mel Robbins podcast and have targeted some local coffee shops for potential loitering. ☺️
I definitely am struggling with this. Having moved often, often across continents, I am usually the one on the outside, yearning to be let into groups that look oh so fun! I have bent over backwards to be accepted into the groups. Even now, though I know that social media can distort things and that not all is at it seems, I feel I do not have as many friends as others do. I understand it takes time and patience, and am working on it - thanks for all the tips, fellow commenters!
All that moving must make developing friendships extra hard. I met a woman on vacation this summer and she shared that she had lived in the same town since she was around 7 but was still the NEW KID in many of her friends' eyes since she hadn't been born there. So breaking into those circles formed decades earlier has to be challenging. I am so grateful for your share and admire your commitment to working on developing friendships. Please remember: you are not alone! And also, yes, we are getting some good tips! :)
This has been a topic for me for several years now, with several longtime friendships falling apart because of divisive current topics. So I've been starting over again in some ways. I've paid attention where I've been at fault and have been digging deep to make adjustments with remaining friends. And with new friendships I'm treading a bit softer and gentler. This recent podcast was a helpful listen as well and I've been getting out into the community a little more and it's working! https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-82
I love this discussion. Time is so slippery; sometimes I can’t believe how long I’ve let pass between calls to friends. It’s not purposeful, but definitely something I should be more mindful of.
Hi Amy. Thanks for posing this question because I think this and never want to admit it. I prioritized my kids and neglected friendships, for sure. And the friendships I had were mostly mom friends. Now that I only have one kid home, and I'm way older than his friends' moms, I had to foster new friendships deliberately. It's flipping hard to do! Most of my new friends are fellow writers because, let's be honest - most people don't truly "get" us writers. We bond on a deep level of insecurity and make believe. As for older friendships, many of mine have faded with kids going away but a few have survived through scheduled walking days, book clubs, and sheer determination to not grow old and forget about each other. We don't always see one another often, but when we do it's fun and games - until we get tired and go home at 8 pm.
Hi Sheryl and LOL to the internal 8pm bedtime alarms. I am away with girlfriends (ironically) this weekend and we were LITERALLY in bed by 9:30 on the first night. Oh, have times changed. But I think your experience has been very similar to my own. I had all the mom friends when all the kids were in school but now it really does take "sheer determination" to keep those friendships alive. It is work but also, it is worth it. xo for chiming in.
Interesting question... I have a small group of forever friends I “ accumulated” over the first 40 years of my life. Some from childhood, some from work, some from graduate school... and then I moved twice for professional reasons ( I was/am the sole breadwinner for my kiddos.) My first big move was to Denver in 2010 when I was in my mid 40s... I didn’t know a single soul when I first arrived but developed some great friendships before I left in 2022 for another work opportunity . I’m now in a new city on the west coast working remotely - which has been extremely hard. I was living in corporate housing for 6 months last year- and felt very alone. I had to keep reminding myself that it takes time... this year has been very different and I’m once again meeting new people and making new friends.
Hi Venetia! You bring up an interesting point about remote work. I am SO much happier in my job now that we are going into the office twice a week. I really enjoy my coworkers and relish the opportunity to get to spend time with them. In fact, a group of us are meeting to go for a hike on a day the company gave us off next week, and it will be fun to spend time "out of school" with all of them. I am impressed that you packed up and moved twice for work (since I was having a heart attack about moving 30 minutes away not that long ago) and am glad you are starting to make friends in your new city. But it does take time. Thanks for joining the conversation! xo
Friends have always been a very important part of my life. My therapy is spending time actively engaging with friends. Two big difficult transitions...empty nesting (no more sporting events to hang out with my kids and my friends) coinciding with more social media. I did a reevaluation of my priorities, cut back on social media and picked up the phone. In doing so I have had more thoughtful interactions and reconnected with friends. It has helped my mental health and had a very positive effect on my life. I didn’t realize how isolating social media was for me and how much I missed actually seeing and talking to my friends in real time.
I didn’t become a mom for the first time until age 43! So I had tons of time to dedicate to large circles of close friends formed through years of beach houses, ski houses, international trips etc. As friends got married and had kids, I did most of the “work” going to first birthday parties, meeting up for kid-friendly outings (me without kids). Even childhood and high schools friends weren’t that hard to keep up with - having gone 700 miles away to school and staying there for almost a decade, I made a big effort to reconnect when I moved back to my home state. So now that my kids are getting older, I’m trying to focus on being a mom while trying to maintain friendships w a lot of empty nesters who are used to me being the one to make most of the effort to see them. I feel almost like I’ve got too many friends - it can be exhausting trying to catch up with everyone regularly. And my friends who never got married or had children do NOT understand how I’d prefer a weekend at a soccer tournament to a girls’ only weekend w no kids.
But I know I’ll be the empty nester in the future and that I’ll need my friends more than ever then so I’m making the effort to nurture my friendships now. I guess my situation is probably different from a lot of people my age (55) but I definitely don’t feel like I don’t have enough friends. I feel very lucky as I write that……
Helen, it’s so interesting to get your take on what it was like sustaining those “mom” friendships back in the day. I was definitely not doing a good job keeping relationships nurtured back then but also, was always looking for a chance to get away from everyone for a girls’ weekend. It’s all work, but worthwhile work. And I think it’s so nice that you were able to do the ski and beach houses and get all that out of your system so that now you can enjoy a weekend filled with standing on the sidelines of a soccer tournament. Priorities change and what it means to have fun changes, too. Thanks for chiming in and sharing your experience.♥️
Hi Meredith! Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and observations. I agree: social media makes it look like everyone else’s life is so Instagramably perfect and fun. You make a really good point about the transition to empty nesting. Back in the day, I didn’t have to work really hard to connect with other women. We were on the bleachers or waiting at pick up or we lived next door to each other. Not a lot of effort was needed. But now, maintaining those friendships requires work. Thank you for that reminder. ☺️
Hi Amy, interesting topic. Social media really can lead you to believe the grass is greener everywhere else. I love that saying you have "friends for a reason, a season or a lifetime". I have lived that. For a while I was focused on quantity versus quality. The older and wiser I have become I am grateful for the few close friends I have who would go to the mat for me - no matter the circumstance. I appreciate the acquaintances I have also - you need all types of friends. I read somewhere that our relationship with friends is like electron shell theory. In the first shell closest to the nucleus there are 2 electrons orbiting the atom's nucleus - there cannot be any more. As you build out the number of electrons in each shell increases from 8-18, resembling close friends - to acquaintances. There is a woman Shasta Nelson who has written a few books on the topic. https://www.shastanelson.com/ I read her first two. Friendships Don't Just Happen and Frientimacy both really good. She's a relatable good speaker. I may just go to her weekend at Kripalau in March https://kripalu.org/presenters-programs/frientimacy-and-deeper-connections-tools-lifelong-health-happiness... who doesn't need a refresher :)
Keelin, wow. You are a font of resources. I can't wait to dive into Shasta Nelson and that Kripalu weekend is kind of calling my name. I especially love the comparison of friends to electrons. Makes perfect sense. Damn, I have such smart and insightful readers. 💡Thank you so much for sharing with us. ♥️
Megan, ugh. A lot of current events present absolute minefields of disagreement. In some ways, if I really enjoy somebody’s company, I don’t want to know where they are politically and socially. Like, let’s just agree to disagree and be friends in spite of those differences.🤷♀️ But as someone who has been on the receiving end of your friendship, I notice what a good job you do at staying connected — which is something I need to work on.♥️ Because, like every other relationship in our lives, good friendships do take work. Oh! And I loved the Mel Robbins podcast and have targeted some local coffee shops for potential loitering. ☺️
I definitely am struggling with this. Having moved often, often across continents, I am usually the one on the outside, yearning to be let into groups that look oh so fun! I have bent over backwards to be accepted into the groups. Even now, though I know that social media can distort things and that not all is at it seems, I feel I do not have as many friends as others do. I understand it takes time and patience, and am working on it - thanks for all the tips, fellow commenters!
All that moving must make developing friendships extra hard. I met a woman on vacation this summer and she shared that she had lived in the same town since she was around 7 but was still the NEW KID in many of her friends' eyes since she hadn't been born there. So breaking into those circles formed decades earlier has to be challenging. I am so grateful for your share and admire your commitment to working on developing friendships. Please remember: you are not alone! And also, yes, we are getting some good tips! :)
This has been a topic for me for several years now, with several longtime friendships falling apart because of divisive current topics. So I've been starting over again in some ways. I've paid attention where I've been at fault and have been digging deep to make adjustments with remaining friends. And with new friendships I'm treading a bit softer and gentler. This recent podcast was a helpful listen as well and I've been getting out into the community a little more and it's working! https://www.melrobbins.com/podcasts/episode-82
I love this discussion. Time is so slippery; sometimes I can’t believe how long I’ve let pass between calls to friends. It’s not purposeful, but definitely something I should be more mindful of.
Kathy, so true. Mindfulness is just so important and the time between those calls does go by too quickly. Thanks for the reminder. xo
Hi Amy. Thanks for posing this question because I think this and never want to admit it. I prioritized my kids and neglected friendships, for sure. And the friendships I had were mostly mom friends. Now that I only have one kid home, and I'm way older than his friends' moms, I had to foster new friendships deliberately. It's flipping hard to do! Most of my new friends are fellow writers because, let's be honest - most people don't truly "get" us writers. We bond on a deep level of insecurity and make believe. As for older friendships, many of mine have faded with kids going away but a few have survived through scheduled walking days, book clubs, and sheer determination to not grow old and forget about each other. We don't always see one another often, but when we do it's fun and games - until we get tired and go home at 8 pm.
Hi Sheryl and LOL to the internal 8pm bedtime alarms. I am away with girlfriends (ironically) this weekend and we were LITERALLY in bed by 9:30 on the first night. Oh, have times changed. But I think your experience has been very similar to my own. I had all the mom friends when all the kids were in school but now it really does take "sheer determination" to keep those friendships alive. It is work but also, it is worth it. xo for chiming in.
Interesting question... I have a small group of forever friends I “ accumulated” over the first 40 years of my life. Some from childhood, some from work, some from graduate school... and then I moved twice for professional reasons ( I was/am the sole breadwinner for my kiddos.) My first big move was to Denver in 2010 when I was in my mid 40s... I didn’t know a single soul when I first arrived but developed some great friendships before I left in 2022 for another work opportunity . I’m now in a new city on the west coast working remotely - which has been extremely hard. I was living in corporate housing for 6 months last year- and felt very alone. I had to keep reminding myself that it takes time... this year has been very different and I’m once again meeting new people and making new friends.
Hi Venetia! You bring up an interesting point about remote work. I am SO much happier in my job now that we are going into the office twice a week. I really enjoy my coworkers and relish the opportunity to get to spend time with them. In fact, a group of us are meeting to go for a hike on a day the company gave us off next week, and it will be fun to spend time "out of school" with all of them. I am impressed that you packed up and moved twice for work (since I was having a heart attack about moving 30 minutes away not that long ago) and am glad you are starting to make friends in your new city. But it does take time. Thanks for joining the conversation! xo
Friends have always been a very important part of my life. My therapy is spending time actively engaging with friends. Two big difficult transitions...empty nesting (no more sporting events to hang out with my kids and my friends) coinciding with more social media. I did a reevaluation of my priorities, cut back on social media and picked up the phone. In doing so I have had more thoughtful interactions and reconnected with friends. It has helped my mental health and had a very positive effect on my life. I didn’t realize how isolating social media was for me and how much I missed actually seeing and talking to my friends in real time.
I didn’t become a mom for the first time until age 43! So I had tons of time to dedicate to large circles of close friends formed through years of beach houses, ski houses, international trips etc. As friends got married and had kids, I did most of the “work” going to first birthday parties, meeting up for kid-friendly outings (me without kids). Even childhood and high schools friends weren’t that hard to keep up with - having gone 700 miles away to school and staying there for almost a decade, I made a big effort to reconnect when I moved back to my home state. So now that my kids are getting older, I’m trying to focus on being a mom while trying to maintain friendships w a lot of empty nesters who are used to me being the one to make most of the effort to see them. I feel almost like I’ve got too many friends - it can be exhausting trying to catch up with everyone regularly. And my friends who never got married or had children do NOT understand how I’d prefer a weekend at a soccer tournament to a girls’ only weekend w no kids.
But I know I’ll be the empty nester in the future and that I’ll need my friends more than ever then so I’m making the effort to nurture my friendships now. I guess my situation is probably different from a lot of people my age (55) but I definitely don’t feel like I don’t have enough friends. I feel very lucky as I write that……
Helen, it’s so interesting to get your take on what it was like sustaining those “mom” friendships back in the day. I was definitely not doing a good job keeping relationships nurtured back then but also, was always looking for a chance to get away from everyone for a girls’ weekend. It’s all work, but worthwhile work. And I think it’s so nice that you were able to do the ski and beach houses and get all that out of your system so that now you can enjoy a weekend filled with standing on the sidelines of a soccer tournament. Priorities change and what it means to have fun changes, too. Thanks for chiming in and sharing your experience.♥️