Becoming a real girl

And the paradox of self-awareness. Plus: 3 obsessions and a poll whether I should chop my hair.

Happy Sunday, Midlifers!

Here’s a mental health tip to start your week: Don’t hole up inside your house for over 48 hours feeling sorry for yourself. Your peace of mind can really start to deteriorate.

At least, that was my experience this week when I came home from the office on Wednesday night and did not emerge from my house into the cold light of day until Saturday morning.

Un-healthy.

I blame about 95% of my hibernation on February. Here in New Jersey, a half mile from the ocean, it’s been bitter. The cold is one thing but the wind lately, it practically ripped my face off when I rounded the corner from a short dog walk the other day and began to head west toward our house. As such, my tiny backyard is currently littered with doggie minefields. Like, I’d be horrified for you to see that situation and know that remedying that true health hazard must be at the top of my Sunday to-do list (barf).

Looking back at the week, I’d allot another few isolation percentage points to work, which has been so … much. And then the last point or two to a sheer lack of options of places to actually go or things to do. I was going to go to a lovely women’s meeting I like on Thursday after work, but it began to snow and I didn’t want to be out on a highway in the Clown Car if it started to get really bad.

So.

By Friday afternoon, I was really in my head and cranky. Blah. Blah. Blah. Me.

I’d had a really powerful virtual session with my therapist on Thursday morning exploring, well, me. Ya know, it wasn’t until I turned 40 that I started to sense that things were not as they seemed. That my perception of life was not 100% accurate and in fact, much bigger than I ever could have imagined. It was like I was a solid block of ice with zero understanding of why I felt so bad about myself.

Thawing out to find the real person underneath the ice has been a long process.

In retrospect, I think that the work I’ve been doing to push further on my journey into becoming a real girl has churned a lot of things up inside me. I felt the prick of tears behind my eyeballs super early on Thursday morning when my personal trainer gave me a pep talk while I did situps. I had joked to him that I didn’t think I had grit, that I didn’t see things through. He quickly disputed that statement and said lots of nice things about what he’s seen me do in the 10 or so years we’ve been working out together. Raise my kids. Stop drinking. Get a legit job. Ack, it made me feel so seen.

On Saturday, I took myself to my favorite meeting where we talked about the value of prayer and meditation, two activities I have really embraced this winter. I start each morning sitting up in my bed, in the dark, and having a conversation with God and then, after a while, I shut up and try to listen to what she has to say. And the weird thing is, her voice always comes from deep inside me.

Recently, I’ve really gotten into the Prayer of St. Francis. You totally know it, it’s the “make me a channel of your peace” one and sometimes called the Peace Prayer. It’s highly aspirational — asking to channel joy, comfort and forgiveness — and, I think, what’s really needed in these times.

But it’s one line that’s really standing out to me right now, down toward the end, which reads: For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds.
It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.
– Prayer of St. Francis

(TBH: That last part is kinda dramatic.)

Toward the end of the day on Friday, I learned that one of my kids was in a bad place. And when I talked to another of my kids about it, they shared that their experience growing up was feeling left to figure things out for themselves. That I was preoccupied putting out all the other fires smoldering in our family and that if their hair wasn’t on fire, I pretty much left them alone.

And this was something I could SO relate to. That was totally my own experience growing up, but it’s taken me a really long time to understand that. And now that I do, it’s given me this deep insight into what my kids experienced growing up. This self awareness has enabled me to forget about myself, transcend my own feelings, to fully honor other people’s pain and experiences. Or at least try.

Instead of kind of freaking out about how my kids’s situation was about to impact me and make that kid feel even shittier, I texted them to say, “It’s okay. I am here for you.” Or something like that. Basically: YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

The longer I am on this journey of self-discovery, the more I see that understanding my own experience helps me deeply understand the people around me. And to be a channel of love and comfort. To make them feel seen. Gah, that is everything.

So guys, nothing and everything happened this cold week in New Jersey. Like the pond up the road from me that started to thaw yesterday afternoon when the thermostat finally climbed out of the 30s, my heart — that’s been frozen for so long — is also beginning to melt. I’m finally starting to see the outline of the woman underneath.

sunday shares: read + watch + cook + buy

Let’s wrap this up so I can get back to this book

LOL but seriously, I’d really rather be finishing the last 40 or so pages of the novel Good Material, which I spent all yesterday afternoon reading. I’m going to dinner tonight to discuss it with a few other women and while I’ve really loved it, another gal shared in our group text that she was struggling to finish. I adore the snappy writing, hilarious lines and deep insight into heartbreak from the male point of view. I totally get why the comic novel was named one of The NYTimes’ best books of 2024.

Might. Watch. Again.

I really failed you Midlifers this week when I went to the office and learned from my young culturista colleagues that a HUGE cultural moment had come and gone the weekend before that I was completely oblivious to. How did I not know about the whole SNL 50th anniversary extravaganza? I am ashamed. This week, I did watch about half of the 2.5 hour long special that aired last Sunday. However, what I really loved and couldn’t stop watching was the accompanying homage to the incredible musical history of the show’s live performances. Prince kicking down his mic stand at the end of his performance in the early 1980s and marching offstage. A super young Adele before she was Adele. Nirvana. The Beastie Boys. Paul Simon. If nothing else, it reminded me how important music was to me when I was young and driving around blaring my cassette tapes of Prince and Madonna in my Buick Regal. I was such a stud.

Target shopping haul

Never let it be said that living like a hermit in sweatsuits doesn’t keep me from imagining a life out in the real world. As such, I bought a bunch of aspirational items from Target this week, which arrived in a big box on my front porch. I am definitely keeping the high waisted navy sailor-like pants and maybe these sandals and flats, which are full knock offs of what Loeffler Randall’s offering this spring for about $325 a pop.

I mean, the horror of seeing myself. But just to give you a visual before you decide my hair’s fate.

POLL: Should I get my hair cut?

Let’s crowdsource: Gang, I’ve got an appointment to have a haircut on Thursday night and kind of can’t stand my long hair, which is currently past my armpits. It’s healthy and all, but I think it’s making me look old. My daughters say “YES, cut it,” but recently my young coworkers were like, “NO, it’s what’s different about you.” I am leaning toward chopping. What do you think?

Kind of loving her hair:

ashley.dainty

A post shared by @ashley.dainty

The fine print

Hey, thanks for making it this far. Did you vote yet (see above)? Okay, then down here, let me tell you to skip the Oscar-nominated Emilia Perez, which I thought was totally meh (but Zoe Saldana super great). I watched the first episode of the new season of White Lotus and LOVE so far (also: Draco Malfoy’s dad sans blonde wig lol). I am really loving this bag as a possible new purchase for my trip to Paris in May. And, in my journey to lose 10 pounds over the next few months, I am going to make this yummy Asian burgers/slaw combo this week and this kale Caesar salad.

Thanks for reading!

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this post. I’m truly so glad you’re here. If you like what you’re reading, please consider sharing this newsletter. And if you have the time to like it or even better — comment — that would mean a lot to me! I’ve had a few readers tell me recently that something resonated and they almost left a comment, to which I encouraged them to do so!!! The Substack algorithm looks for that and helps other readers find me!!!. Whatever you do, THANK YOU FOR READING.

See you next Sunday,

xoAmy