Defying gravity
On not getting weighed down by the past and a nod to Idina's iconic showstopper. Also: one for the summer's final tomatoes.
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Hello Midlifers:
Reporting live from the Empty Nest field this morning to tell you that living alone at midlife is not totally terrible. I mean, it beats being stuck in a lousy relationship and putting up with another person’s midlife crisis. I prefer dealing with my own angst at this stage of the game.
As predicted, much of my Labor Day Weekend was spent roaming around big box stores with my two daughters. Sure, we did go to the movies to see (what else) It Ends With Us, where the three of us freaked out when Blake Lively’s character wears sparkly tights TO BED under men’s pajama pants and then, proving that this was not merely an editing whoopsie, we see her wake up the next morning with her feet, clad in stockings, peeking out *shiver* beneath the pajama pant leg.
We also attended a crystal bowl/reiki session on the beach at sundown one night, which I thought was amazing. I could feel the sound of the bowls vibrating in my chest as I laid on the sand under a blanket. It radiated down my arms at one point and tingled at the ends of my fingers as my chakras creaked open.
The girls and I cooked a big dinner Saturday night and listened to the Into the Woods Broadway soundtrack as we cubed the loaf of crusty sourdough bread for the panzanella and whipped cream for mandatory horseradish sauce to accompany the flank steak.
The next day we drove to the Trader Joe’s about 30 minutes south of here that’s near the closes Buff City Soaps (that we are obsessed with) and sang along to the score from Wicked after we saw the trailer for the upcoming movie the day before. We joked about that iconic set of notes Idina Menzel hits at the end of “Defying Gravity” and then every time we talked about something unpleasant or epic, we’d sing those high notes and crack up. A-AHAHA.
The highlight of the weekend came on Saturday when we devoted the entire day to executing a plan for repotting all my houseplants, which had roots bulging out of the bottoms of some pots and my ZZ plant in particular starting to kill off its new shoots to conserve its strangled energy. We ravaged through my collection of unused pots out in my shed and determined how many new ones we’d need and found an expansive and inexpensive collection at the At Home store nearby. Then we dragged bags of dirt and stones to help with drainage and began to relieve all my plants of their tight quarters and my younger daughter carefully combed her fingers through coiled roots and gently pulled plants apart to be tucked into their new beds. By the time we were done, my daughter’s arms and legs were covered in a dusting of potting soil, her feet decidedly browner than the rest of her body before she used the hose to rinse off.
The girls pulled out late Sunday afternoon and I spent the rest of the day puttering around the house and redecorating with things that have been stored down in my basement. I moved table lamps around and repositioned chairs and then sat on the porch and read as the sky went dark and enjoyed the quiet and solitude.
But then on Monday, I got snagged by being alone on a holiday. It’s so dumb, right? I mean: Labor Day. Who cares? But I thought of LDWs of yesteryear as I rode my bike to the beach and it made me sad. I missed my children. I missed being surrounded by family. I missed that life.
That night, my new neighbors had a porch full of people celebrating the unofficial end of summer. It’s not like they were rowdy or anything, just a reminder as I laid on my couch with the blinds drawn and watched TV and later, turned my AC unit up to full blast to drown out the voices when I went to bed at 9:00.
But then, I had a great week. I was aligning with coworkers in the office and online and taking a long walk down the boardwalk after work with a smart and lovely new friend. When we got back to her place, we sat on her porch drinking glasses of water and continued our conversation. Driving home along Ocean Avenue with my windows open and feeling the cool air hit my sweaty arm, I felt full. My battery felt recharged and it was nice to come home and take a quick shower and lie in bed with my book, the dog pressed close with his face angled onto my lap for maximum petting.
This weekend has been filled with more connections. Old friends. New friends. Even fireworks later tonight to celebrate an exciting milestone for a woman I still think of like a little sister and can’t believe she’s turned 50. How can that be?
So what am I saying? That life is a series of one step forward and two steps back when we get snagged by the past? When we romanticize the way things were and forget all the details that made us make major changes in the first place?
Last night I met another new friend for dinner (look at me!). We sat at a bar and shared a bunch of plates (the best way to eat) and I drank my favorite cocktail (club soda, no ice, no fruit, straight up). It told her how I was really trying to make an effort to connect with people and we joked that Step One was to leave the house.
I mentioned a quote from Goethe about commitment that tbh my therapist is always referencing. Fifteen years ago when she brought it up, I was like, “What is she even saying?” But now, through maturity and experience, I’m beginning to understand that The Universe (or God or whatever) doesn’t have time for mixed messages. There is no room for ambivalence when it comes to making a life you want. Step One is being clear about what you actually want. And that is something I’ve really been thinking about out here in the field. All this aloneness gives me the space to imagine all the things I really want to make happen. And am already putting into motion
Not to be too cheesy, but I do want to defy gravity. I’m tired of feeling grounded by all those tired old narratives. Of being weighed down by the past and dusty expectations about the way life was supposed to be.
I’m ready to be free.
sunday shares: read + watch + cook + buy
There’s still time. Guys, buy all the summer tomatoes you can get your hands on to make Ina’s panzanella. It NEVER disappoints and I ate leftovers for days after the girls were gone.
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Short n’ sweet. Nothing revolutionary about this recipe except it’s easy and yummy. I added some sundried tomatoes and leftover corn cut off a cob and it was delightful. (Also: William, I hope you loved the above album title and guys, listen to the new Sabrina Carpenter album.)
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Easily influenced. I am a sucker for a statement necklace, and this chunky star did not disappoint. I wore it to work and it got a lot of love. Also don’t think I wasn’t eyeing her striped dress and mesh flats but I’m really using my will power to resist.
One trick pony. I know, I write about Old Navy a lot. But I get a lot of things there. So much so that when I realized, in horror, that they CLOSED the one at the mall nearby, my first thought was: Why didn’t anyone tell me? Anyhoo, the girls and I went to another local Old Navy and I bought a ton of things. I tell you this because right now, everything online is 40% off and jeans are 50% off. Got get ‘em.
How to stay calm. My friend and fellow writer and Substacker
shared a recent post that provided "a go-to list of things you can do to feel good throughout the day so you don’t default to doom-scrolling on social media.” As someone with a super addictive personality and tendency toward laziness, my go-to activities for unwinding are Instagram and Netflix. But those are also great ways to waste time and also numb out to feelings and being present. I really like this list Nicole shared and will keep it in my digital back pocket the next time I am looking to escape reality.Gang, as alwasys, THANK YOUUUUUUU for reading. I am SO glad you are here.
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See you next Sunday! xoAmy.
I love your honesty in this piece! I think so many can relate and I certainly can. Beautifully, movingly, powerfully written.
What a read! Family, friends, honesty and freeeeee!