Hello, this is your brain. Get used to it.
I yam what I yam. And it's okay. Also: super comfy boots and Netflix candy.
Last weekend, for the first time since I started writing my memoir three years ago, I thought about giving up. I pulled the Word doc up on Saturday morning, started reading through pages that I’d read through about 100 1,000 times, and inwardly cringed.
“This is junk,” I thought. “How will I ever finish it?”
I told my therapist during our Zoom session on Thursday that I felt spread thin. “I have so much on my plate,” I said. I went through a list I had scribbled in a notebook of all the initiatives I am actively juggling: the book, this here Substack, professional development at work, actual work — including a monthly data report I produce covering the labor market. You know, just the casual labor market.
On top of all that, there’s another class I’m taking to develop a submission package to send to agents, twice-weekly workouts, dog walks, reading spicy faerie romance books, meditating, praying and working through a recovery program.
I’m having a hard time making room for it all. But also, it’s all important to me.
In the past, all of this would piss me off about myself. I’d get down on myself for being all over the place and being lousy at managing my time. And while those things remain true, I had an epiphany this week that’s helped me be okay with it all.
As there are no coincidences in this life, over the next couple of months I am part of a cohort at work who are diving into emotional intelligence to better learn how to interact with our coworkers. But already, I’ve learned so much about myself.
As a leadup to the first class this week, we were asked to take a personality test. I have done this many times for fun, but for some reason, this one resonated. Like, sparks flying out of my brain reading the results. It explained so much.
My strengths: analytical, original, open-minded, curious, honest.
My weaknesses: disconnected, insensitive, dissatisfied, overthinker, impatient.
Suddenly, I could see why I struggled in my last role at work and why I’ve been more successful where I’ve landed, now that I have more freedom to explore new ideas and solve mental puzzles.
And when I went against EVERYTHING I wrote last week and said something to my daughter that I thought was logical but apparently made her cry so much she had to go off camera on the call she had after our conversation — I felt like a giant asshole but kind of understood my motivations a little better.
I sent her a screenshot from my personality assessment as part of my LONG apology text. I circled the “Insensitive” section, which breaks down how my personality type can disregard irrational values like emotion and compassion, but notes that their intentions are generally good.
“Love that you’re really digging into the data for this,” she wrote back.
When I look at that long list of things that are keeping me busy right now, up at 5:00 every morning to work on one thing or another, before work and workouts, and even on Sundays, I understand that it’s just what feeds my brain. Even my love of faerie romance novels makes more sense now. Like, I can’t read a regular boy meets girl book. I need insane world-building and inter-species relationships to really satisfy me.
I know from the internet that personality tests aren’t considered the most accurate assessments anymore. When I told my therapist about my revelation this week, she suggested I look at a strengths assessment to get a snapshot of areas where I am strong and where I could use more work. I took the test yesterday and it pretty much reiterated the earlier test.
Top strengths: curiosity, appreciation of beauty, humor, love of learning, judgment.
Lowest: self-regulation, perseverance, humility, love, social intelligence.
After all this navel-gazing, I’ve come away with an unusual amount of compassion for myself because I understand a little bit better that this is just how my brain works. It’s kind of the same way I’ve had to accept that I just can’t have one drink. Ever. My brain always needs more.
But the same brain needs all the writing and mental stimulation to keep it happy. I’m always thinking of new things I want to try. New paths I’d like to explore. I’d really like to learn to speak a new language. Become expert at bread baking. Start a podcast And I’m just waiting for some time to go down a hole and learn about Buddhism. I think I could really be into that.
Isn’t it funny how the older we get the more we start learning about ourselves? That we can throw all those preconceived notions of what we thought were self-imposed limitations and learn that it’s just the way we arrived here on this planet? All of us, so different. And so interesting.
I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to be like everyone else. To think like everyone else. Even in the first professional development class this week, of the 16 of us, I was the only one who interpreted an exercise differently. Like, what? I think before, I would have wondered what was wrong with me. But now, I kind of get it.
One of my many activities this week found me meeting with my writing group over Zoom on Thursday night to give feedback on 25 pages we’d read of one of the writers’ memoirs. This writer is now retired and not only working on revising this book but is also writing a whole new memoir. She told us how she was writing for many hours each day and wondered whether any of it was going anywhere.
I had this thought and leaned closer to my laptop camera and said, “You are living such a creative life.”
And I am going to bring that logic to my own life. Even the data report I produce at work each month gives me a lot of creative freedom as I think about how to tell stories about monthly job seeker activity or the state of healthcare hiring. It’s hard work but dare I say, fun.
I went back to the start of my memoir this week and began combing through it from the beginning. Anything that gave me that cringy feeling, I rewrote. It’s a process but it feeds me. I am reminded once again that it’s the journey. It’s checking a lot of the boxes I need to feel engaged and satisfied.
Will I ever finish my book, speak fluent French or become the CMO of my company? I mean, who knows? But you can’t say I’m not trying.
sunday shares: read + watch + cook + buy
True story. I don’t usually go in for true crime anything. But my son is home from college this weekend and we wanted to find something to watch together on Saturday night, so started the first of the three-part Netflix series American Nightmare. When we began the first one, my son made it clear he was not committing to the entire series and we ended up flying through it. It’s great.
Voted most comfortable (by me). I wore these boots to the office this week and was reminded how damn comfortable they were. Are sock boots still a thing? Because these are from the same maker and were my go-to out-to-dinner boot but now have competition from these (also very comfy).
Obsessed: Want to make everything you eat taste even better? Drizzle it with this crack from Trader Joe’s. I’ve dribbled it on split pea soup, zoodles and cottage cheese.
Fall into The Gap. Remember that jingle? Anyway, you guys know that I’m a Gap, Inc. girl. The various brands feed my wardrobe. So I was interested to learn this week that the company has hired Zac Posen as its latest creative director. I’m excited to see what this will look like.
See you next week. xoAmy
On a lighter note, I am so excited about a possible revised Gap!!! Zac-Gap for the win!
Curiosity is a superpower and you have it my friend.