How do I want to spend my life?
TBH: Not working. Also: my go-to dinners + TV show rotation.
What’s up Midlifers!
The following best describes my week:
On Monday morning, I turned on the kitchen sink faucet to fill my Brita pitcher (because my beverage of choice is lukewarm water) and then went upstairs to shower, dry my hair and spend some time in front of my intense magnifying mirror removing facial hair. I came back downstairs about 40 minutes later and heard running water — which always makes me panic —and found the pitcher overflowing under the running water in the sink.
This behavior — call it distraction or not being present — is nothing new for me. I can’t tell you how many times I made a cup of coffee with my old Keurig machine and neglected to put a mug underneath the spout. Walking back ready to enjoy a mediocre cup of joe to find it dripping off the counter and spilling onto the floor. Or starting to heat up a pan to cook an egg and then smelling something weird 10 minutes later from the other side of the room where I’m emptying the dishwasher.
One time, I was in such a hurry to get out of my house to cover something as a reporter that I left one of my kids at home by himself. We were rushing to the babysitter’s and I looked in the rearview mirror at the kids in the back of the minivan and only saw two heads in the car seats.
“Max, sit up,” I barked.
No answer.
“Max, please sit up,” I said again, trying to get a visual on my 5-year-old who was usually sitting next to his younger sister, Annie, in the third row with the baby, Maddie, strapped into the middle row.
Then Annie says — I can still hear her little 4-year-old voice — “He’s not here.”
I mean, #1: Annie, help a sister out. And, #2: I have never forgotten the terror I felt as I drove home — imagining so many horrific scenarios — only to find Max happily playing outside on the swings, oblivious to being abandoned.
Something I have learned about myself is that I tend to get so hyper-focused on something that I can’t see anything else going on around me. And while bringing all of my energy to a single task can lead to great results, I’m also starting to understand how it leaves me feeling depleted in every other area.
Right now, work is sucking up all of my energy. My Innie is definitely working overtime refining data (Severance reference) and this is not a new phenomenon. I’ve been through this cycle a few times now and can see where it’s going. It’s making my Outie feel exhausted.
This week I let it keep me from joining an online meditation session on Monday night or going to a women’s meeting on Thursday — activities I both enjoy and need to stay grounded. I signed off from work on Friday around 5:30 p.m. and felt like I’d been punched in the face and took to the couch.
How we spend our days is how we spend our life.
One of the benefits of getting older is it helps put time in perspective. When I was younger, what was another year? I often opted to kick the can of making change down the road as long as I could. Until I couldn’t. Bad marriage. Over-drinking. Scary finances. Looming empty nest.
What’s that saying? How we spend our days is how we spend our life.
Unfortunately, work this week promises to be all-consuming. We have teammates coming in from out of town and I have a super scary presentation to obsess over and probably get hyper-focused on.
Even so, I am determined to bring balance to the week. Meditation. Recovery. Movement. Self care. Other fucking people so I’m not just having conversations with my dog from the moment I wake up to when I turn out the lights at night.
I guess these are boundaries. Things I need to do to create the life that I want to relflect on and say, “Yes, that was worth it.” I don’t want to look back on a string of days of me sitting and looking at Instagram on my phone or checking my work email and wondering why I wasted so much time.
My Outie needs more.
In rotation
I spent more time than I’d like my therapist to know watching TV this week (see rant about my selfish Innie above). Here’s what I’ve been rotting on my couch and watching:
Severance: I mean, duh. Also, see above.
The White Lotus: I’ve heard people say they think this season is boring and that they’re tired of the show’s formula, but I love it. First, I’ve been hot to go to Thailand for years, but this is a much bougier version of the sailing experience I’d been dreaming of. Second, the women. From the Parker Posey mom to the three bitchy besties, I mean, I know them. Maybe I’ve been them? Gah.
Hotel Portofino: I’m still chugging through this PBS series and enjoying it. It takes place between the two world wars and the Fascists are really getting aggressive in the tiny Italian village in Season 3. Why must men act on their impulses to control and strong arm everybody else? It’s the eternal question even today.
The Pitt: You guys, it’s the 2025 version of ER that even has Noah Wylie. This time, he’s not playing the bright eyed intern but the doctor who’s a seasoned pro. I love how each episode is one hour of his 15-hour shift, so it’s all taking place over the course of one chaotic and stressful day. I binged five of the 15-episode series this weekend. SO GOOD.
In memoriam
To mark the recent passing of Melodie Beattie, the mother of Codependent No More and absolute treasure for those of us struggling to keep our thoughts and feelings separate from everybody else, the We Can Do Hard Things podcast re-aired their interview with Beattie.
I listened while walking the dog this week and thinking about all the people who I wanted to share the podcast with. I imagined how each one would be hearing the insightful conversation that I was listening to and how that would finally help them understand their own codependence issues. And then one of the hosts shared:
‘I read the entire book as my sister. I pretended I was her reading, and I had all of the arguments and the epiphanies that I imagined she would have as I was reading. And I want you to know that I truly let your words sink in and change her deeply through my reading.”
And then they all laughed about how codependent that was and I stopped in my tracks on the sidewalk and laughed too. And did not send to one other person.
It’s a journey, everyone! I highly recommend the episode *secretly hoping all the codependents in my life listen, too*
Carry on
It was my daughter’s birthday this week! To mark it, I gifted her this carry-on bag she’d been hot for to take on our trip to Paris this May. What she loves is how compartmentalized it is and that it will be perfect to hold an outfit to change into once we get there.
What I’m eating on repeat
After a hard day mining data, my Outie has been too tired to whip up anything super exciting for dinner. Instead, I’ve been eating two meals on repeat: roasted cauliflower with two over easy eggs + crunchy chili oil AND half a baked sweet potato + taco-flavored meat + cottage cheese + (you guessed it) the crunchy chili oil. Sometimes an avocado.
GAH, thank you for reading
I’m just so honored to have you read and follow along. If you have time, it would mean so much to me if you could “heart” this post, share your thoughts in the comments below or share with a friend and grow this community of Midlifers. You guys are the best.
I’ll see you here next Sunday,
xoAmy
The Pitt is the best show out there - well chosen!
Oh that car seat moment!!! :)