When wine and candy just aren't enough

And neither are you. Also: why I smell like a narcissist.

I sat on my bed Monday night and logged onto the first of the month-long virtual meditation sessions I’d decided to sign up for as a contemplative start to the new year. I was wearing my current uniform of a random oversized grey Mickey Mouse sweatshirt from Target and matching baggy grey sweats to maximize comfort during the 90-minute session.

I’d last done the monthly online series in October but then did not pick up the following month because it felt so overwhelming coming right at the start of the work week. When I saw my friend who leads the meditations at brunch over the holidays, I told her that if I signed off for work at 6:00 and the sessions started at 7:30, I didn’t feel like I had any time to myself to decompress.

This friend, who as you could imagine since she is a meditation teacher and energy healer, was quite lovely in her response. “Of course,” she said so kindly. “I understand.”

Later, after I’d given this same friend a Christmas present despite her being Jewish and not celebrating the holiday — I guess I only know Catholic/Christian people? — the conversation drifted to New Year’s resolutions. I shared that I wanted to do a better job balancing work with the rest of my life in the new year. I love my job but also, it can’t be my everything. That’s also my personality, very all-in and hyper focused. But I need to start bringing other things into the mix.

Somehow, the monthly meditation series came up again and that same friend gently observed that having that practice could be a really nice way to balance out the work day and kick off the week.

Like, duh.

The January series began this week and when I logged onto Zoom, I was glad to see my friend’s kind face along with a bunch of other women I recognized from the fall. The monthly sessions always center around a theme and when our teacher shared that this month we’d be talking about “wholeness,” I was kinda like, “Meh.”

In my mind I was thinking that January was for “renewal” or “rebirth.” Maybe “letting go” or “surrender.” But “wholeness”? It did not speak to me.

But then, as is often the case with life — especially if you are inda paying attention — by Thursday morning I was like, “OH, WHOLENESS IS EVERYTHING.”

Between Monday and Thursday, I was reminded again and again of my own journey toward wholeness. Identifying things that didn’t feel right and starting to turn those things around.

Like, Step 1: realize that there’s a piece of you that’s missing. And then Step 2: figure out what that missing piece is.

I’ll tell you what it’s not—booze. No-siree. For a while, I tried to fill that hole in my soul with that. However, I’ve tried to fill in that missing piece with all sorts of things over the decades. All the things I thought were going to give me the life I yearned for. There was the parkly blue Schwinn 10-speed bike that I really needed when I was turning 12. I could picture myself riding down the street on that bike, hunched over the handlebars and looking as cool as any girl in Seventeen magazine. And then the love of a certain boy who I was then desperate to marry. That was definitely going to solve all my problems. Ten years later, I was convinced having a fourth child would complete me. Once along the way, I even thought I could find it in a Dodge Durango.

I don’t need to tell you how any of that worked out. I mean, I’m so glad I got that fourth kiddo and can’t even remember if I ever got that 10-speed. And the Durango was fine but didn’t change how I felt about myself ultimately. And of course, any of the other things didn’t make me feel whole the way I thought they would. They weren’t the missing ingredients for baking the perfect life. I was still hungry for something, but couldn’t put my finger on just what that was.

To be whole is to have inner contentment. For me, that’s been a journey toward loving myself and then being able to freely give that love away. You can’t keep it unless you give it away, as they say.

How have I started to find that inner peace? By filling myself with different stuff nowadays. Things like meditating and praying. Keeping a nightly gratitude journal and filling up my Jar of Good Things™. Connecting with friends who fill me up and make me feel seen and loved. I made some new friends last year and have really enjoyed discovering what mature friendships can look like.

I went to breakfast yesterday after my favorite Saturday morning meeting with a group of women and felt so blessed to have a seat at that table, surrounded with so much strength and wisdom. There would have been a time I might not have felt worthy to be at that table. I would have felt like a fraud or an imposter. Pretending to be a good human. But now I know that I really am not all the things I have been told I was. I know now that I belong at that table with those women. I now have a much better idea who I really am.

And of course, my kids are such a big part of that puzzle piece. Whether I have grown as a person for them and to stop a ton of generational dysfunction or in many cases, have grown as a person because of them and all that they have taught me about myself and how to be a better human.

Don’t get me wrong, the little troll that lives inside whispering bad ideas is still suggesting I fill the ICK I sometimes feel about life with an extravagant online purchase or bag of Rollos. I’m really trying not to listen to that jerk.

When I told my therapist about the “wholeness” theme, she started drawing connections between WHOLE-HOLE-HOLY. And they all kind of go together. Because in the end, I’ve found it much more enriching to feed myself from a larger source of love. To stop trying to fill that hole inside my heart with all the things we think we need to either solve or cover up the problem. But shopping or wine or TikTok are the equivalent of trying to subsist on Rollos. Sounds great in theory but will ultimately leave you wanting—needing—more.

I now see that when Jerry Maguire storms into book club to tell Renee Zelwigger that she “completes him,” and we all SWOONED in our seats, that we were very misguided. The only thing that can complete you, that can give you wholeness, is you. It does not come from any external sources. Sometimes, Rollos can help. But in the end, you are the only one who can save you.

sunday shares: all my recent faves

If it smells like a narcissist …

A while back I was introduced by a college friend to Buff City Soap. She’d been doing some consulting work for them and had given me a little sample of their body butter in the Narcissist scent, and now I am obsessed with both the fragrance and strange texture of the product. I also really like the honey almond fragrance, which I have in the whipped soap and body lotion.

Over the holidays, my daughter went to the closest retail location, down in Brick, NJ, to stock up on laundry products. It never gets old to my daughters that my favorite scent, of their like 75 scents, is Narcissist. “Interesting,” said the younger one when I first expressed my love for it. “Classic,” said the older one. It’s fine. At least people will be able to smell exactly who and what I am as I approach.

For the laundry, I have bought both the detergent, fragrance boosters and dryer balls. I think moving forward I’d stick to my Tide detergent and add the booster for things like sheets and towels.

All. The. Movies.

I have been gobbling up all the big movies from 2024 that are making names for themselves during awards season. To date, I have seen and thoroughly enjoyed: Complete Unknown, Conclave, Wicked (which I saw twice), and Baby Girl. Last night I went to see The Last Showgirl and I think that might be my favorite so far. Pamela Andersen and Jamie Lee Curtis are both AMAZING. If nothing else, I feel like women over 40 (and often 50) are totally in the current zeitgeist.

Thoroughly wacky, unhinged and great

I also read and had a book club discussion about Miranda July’s All Fours last week. I really liked it and even though one of our book clubbers couldn’t get through the whole book, later after we talked about it for like an hour, even she agree that it was really thought provoking. I mean, would I tell everyone to read it? No. It’s very sexually graphic and the protagonist is not adhering to hetero social norms. That said, really really interesting take on women, aging and identity.

Running to go see a matinee of Delia Ephron’s Left on Tenth! I read and loved last year and looking forward to seeing it come to life onstage.

Thanks for reading!

I’ve missed you guys and excited to be back to share a little of what’s been going on. At a few gatherings with friends around the holidays, more than a few women told me they missed knowing what to buy at Old Navy during my sabbatical. LOL

As always, thank you for taking the time to read this post. I’m truly so glad you’re here. If you like what you’re reading, please consider sharing this newsletter. (And if you have the time to like it, that would mean a lot to me!)